Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something beautiful ♥

Do you know that I literally shiver and that I run short of breath when I meet people for the first time? Especially the ones whom I know could be important in my life.

And do you know that most times I try to hide that awkwardness by talking incessantly?

Do you also know that I hate public speech? 

Or any kind of public attention that requires people staring at me? 

And that I talk faster and stammer much more than I would care for?

 I do, and that most times when I speak to people in public, everything in front of my eyes become blurry, faces tend to get hazy and the distance seem much bigger – and then as much as I hate it, the words won’t come out right. 

Even when I’m with a group of people I’m familiar with, I repeat the sentences in my head before saying out loud just to make sure it sounds right.

Sometimes, I get hurt and humiliated so very easily by what seems like silly jokes and comments especially in public that it makes me think much more when I joke with others.

 I tend to stick to the ones which I’m sure is not hurtful in any way – and at times when I feel I delivered a bit harsher lines, do you know that I go over and over about it in my head? 

All because it kills me thinking I could’ve somehow insulted or hurt another person.

Do you know that when I am with a group of people, I pay the most attention to the one who looked like he least belonged? 

All because I know how it feels. 

Well, most of the time that is how I feel when I am with a group of people. 

Even in school and college, I always tried the hardest to be friends with the loners and the underdogs, maybe I see myself in them way more that I would like to admit.

 Don’t get me wrong, I always know the popular kids and even now, the superstars of the group – but that don’t mean I stop feeling awkward when I am with such groups. Maybe I do it anyway because that way, I get to be looked at and treated normally.

I sympathize
I look at homeless people in the streets and sympathize. 

I look at kids who do manual labour instead of being in school and I sympathize. 

I look at old people who look like they could use a friend or two and I sympathize.

 But let’s face it; these things are what any normal human being with a normal heart would sympathize with. 

In my case, they are sillier than usual. 

For example, when I see a teenager with torn shoes and yet who is very flare in his taste – someone who would enjoy a nice pair of trendy shoes and yet try to keep up anyway, or a street vendor who diligently works just to earn minimum profit, I sympathize. 

When I look into people’s eyes and I see loneliness or sadness, no matter how much they try to hide it, it hurts me.

 Basically I sympathize a lot.

 And by that I mean the kind of sympathy where it hurts deep down and you’d wish to the world that things wouldn’t be that bad for them as they appear. 

Sometimes it hurts so much that it feels like someone literally is piercing something through my heart and many times it haunt me at night. And sometimes, I wish I’d feel a little less since most of the times I can never do anything anyway.

I envy
There is a bit of something I envy in almost everybody I know. 

I envy the way my mother protects and fights for the people she loves, 

I envy the peace and amazing heart that my father has in his life.

 I envy the way my sister is so lovable, adorable and funny, 

And the way my brother loves Jesus. 

I envy the way most of my friends look better and love better than me

 I envy their generosity and their big hearts, their honesty, loyalty and diligence.

One day maybe I’ll be half the person that I wish I could be I’m trying every day.

I feel so very blessed every day. 

I hate myself for not saying enough. 

But most times, I keep it quiet for fear of sounding conceited, self-centred and inconsiderate.

 Sometimes, I wonder if people see me that way – maybe because of the way I am with words, at times I know I can look and sound like a pompous and overbearing person, that makes me worry sometimes. 

But I do feel blessed, because by the grace of God, I have come this far. 

I know I am far from being the most accomplished person but for someone like me to have achieved what I have, considering my personal and intellectual as well as spiritual limitations; 

I cannot but help be grateful.

 Sometimes, when people go into raptures over my experiences, it humbles me and also guilt me into thinking if I had given off any indication to insinuate that all these were my own doings, because I couldn’t be more wrong. 

Sometimes I wonder if people know how small, incompetent and weak I really am – which I doubt since I always put out a brave front. I am a woman with limited understanding when it comes to people,

 I am impatient, 

I am not good with people

I am certainly not diligent.

 I am and would continue to be a terrible house maker,

 I am lazy, messy and sometimes I lie just to get into good graces of people, or when I feel that a truth would break someone’s heart – which makes me a coward that I am.

When I look at all the beautiful people in my life,

I wonder why they would want to be in my life and sometimes it even makes me feel like I have done something right – and that I am so very blessed.

I love people.

 Sometimes too much too easily.

 I genuinely believe that there is good in all of us, maybe more in some than the others.

 I believe that we all have our fights in life which everyone must face that at some point.

 But I also believe that it gets slightly easier when we are kinder to each other and give others and ourselves a break every now and then.

Tell them I loved ♥♥