Then & Now

Dear Young Love,

Once again you asked “What if?”, “What could have been?”

You have been thinking again

On a regular day, I would have replied with an “I don’t know”

And then shrug and forget about it

But maybe there’s something about today,

Something that tells me I do know.

So here it is,

Stop wondering what if? Or what could have been?

Because what you had, what you think you want is gone.

You got the best of my youth, I loved you first.

You, my dear you, got me when I was the best I could be then.

You loved who I was then,

That’s not who I am anymore.

I was young, joyful and nice

Now I am older, wiser and perhaps not as nice.

I have learnt news things and words

Things like responsibilities and words like consequences

I was spontaneous and impulsive

Now I plan and organize

I thought everyone would always be around and we’d always be happy

But, I've lost loved ones and have learnt to be comfortable on my own

Life, as unbearable or as exuberant as it may be, goes on.

You said I was delighted easily,

Maybe because the burdens in my head could be sorted out

With things like food, sleep, alarm clocks, music, books and good television

Now, it takes a bit more than that – I wish they could be bought

Virtues like patience, endurance and strength.

I had all the time in the world,

Time to be passionate, time to be silly, time to do nothing

Time to be ridiculous and time to be fabulous

Now time is a luxury that isn't always on my side

So it’s hard to give freely to anyone.

I was warm, gullible and trusting

Naturally, I got burned and scarred along the way

But I don’t regret any of it

Now, I am tougher, calmer and more composed.

And I expect lesser.

Clothes were a necessity, something that said who I was

Now, they complement and enhance who I want myself to be.

I was never happy with my physical appearances,

But I learnt the difference between the things I can change and can’t change

So I worked on my personality instead.

I still have bad days, but I know my face isn't all that I am.

Back then, people were either good or bad

Now I know it’s not that simple

Everyone is just trying to survive

Maybe we just have different ways of tackling it

Some people just haven’t had it very easy

And some just don’t know better, they just don’t.

I thought I was lucky when it comes to friends

But you see, I had measured them in quantity

Now, I no longer make that mistake

And now I know for a fact that I am lucky,

Because I have friends who matter, friends who will stick around

Friends I would do anything in the world for.

On a sunny day, we would grab our bags

Out in the sunny street we would wander with no worries

Now, a sunny day makes me wonder what that would do to my skin

And that maybe I should wait before stepping out

On a rainy day, we would dance on the streets in the rain

Chasing each other with our ridiculous mirth

Now, I go through a checklist in my head – laundry, windows & the likes

It makes me worry about the homeless on the streets

Or the possible flooding of the streets and its consequences

Laughter was a therapy I indulge generously in,

This hasn't changed.

But the things I laughed about and the people I laughed with

And the intensity with which I laughed

Unfortunately aren't the same anymore

This I wish stayed the same.

So you see, today I am trying to be the best version I can be now, and be graceful and poise about it in the process. All these changes that I see in me now aren't necessarily for better or for worse. It is just something that is inevitable with growth and maturing.

 If I am not who I am today, I wouldn't be writing this to you, with the hope that it gives you peace of mind. You and I know how my soul was crushed and my heart massacred. Still, I rose.

You can’t possibly love the person I am now because you loved me then for all those reasons which have changed. It’s not that they have disappeared; it’s that they have evolved.

I am not the one that got away, and it was not a mistake for things to end.

I am the one who loved you with all my youth, made mistakes with you, got ridiculously euphoric, vehemently disappointed and tenaciously furious with you, someone who was intoxicated with the passion and young love, and someone who genuinely was content and I did love you – as intensely as I could.

But that’s the thing with young love, it is ephemeral, some struck lucky and got everything out of it but you and I are luckier, because now we get to experience the adult love, the more profound love, the one that should last – the forever cheesy makes you want to throw up kind of love. Bizarrely, it is amazing. It’s the kind of love that people write about, the foundation of all good music and movies. So, you see, we get to have two loves, two big loves.

So, no more wondering, no more “what ifs”. It’s time to let it go, the other love lies ahead.

Love,

The one who wants nothing but the best for you.

A Tale of Two Continents

There's this calmness about us, about you.
I love the mutual love of silence.
The fact that not every day or everything requires words
And yet the comfort in knowing that our feelings thrive anyway
I never thought I was meant for this, still don't at times
And yet here I am promising nothing and yet planning forever

But I hope you remember that
Trust is a commodity my heart refuses to splurge on
It isn't a worthy reason but sometimes
I blame the occurrences of my yesterdays
The heartaches & the disappointments
As much as I try to not let is scar my todays,
I guess a part of that brightness & naivety gets shattered
So with every little hope getting squashed or every disappointment,
The famous defensive wall comes up

I hate this wall!
And eventually I will have control over it,
Slowly but surely and hopefully with you around
It isn't because I am insecure about us.

Unfortunately, I have met pain face to face, heart to heart
It is a very unkind guest & almost always overstay its welcome.

Normally I am courageous & bold enough
To face hardships on my own
Except when it comes to matters of the heart.
That's where I draw the line
Because I have learnt that as much as love brightens up the world
It doesn't always behave
I could and can outlive it and I will survive it
But when it is done with you,
It leaves you sharper, more bitter;
More cautious and more cynical & doubtful
Those are things I can very well do without.

I am not saying you will invite it back,
Because you have the kindest, warmest heart I know
That precisely is why I am here again
On my way to trust again, to be vulnerable,
To depend & to love another being as much as I do myself
I do not expect or request the same of you
But I do ask of your patience
Its not always easy to stay in love with a person
Whilst feeling you are walking on eggshells

But you aren't, cause as fragile & cautious as my heart is,
You can always open up to me, To us
After all that's said and done,
It is you and I still standing
Beating the odds together ever since

Our forever's aren't ephemeral
Our faith not  mortal
Our love divine and pure
Even though we are far from faultless,
We have our Father himself as part of what we've created and started,
I believe we could and we will withstand the test of time

Here's to us,
Here's to Love
Here's to laughter, hope & a little bit of craziness!

Here are my prayers

I was a child

I wanted to kill a mosquito

After several failed attempts,

I remembered Mom telling me to pray for everything

I prayed.

I killed the mosquito.

But I doubted.

I was in high school

I was on the verge of flunking my boards.

I remembered Mom telling me to pray for everything

I prayed.

I understood & remembered.

I got a rank

I still wasn't convinced.

I was in college

I woke up late for my finals

After being denied entrance

I remembered Mom telling me to pray for everything

I prayed.

I was called back.

I wondered why.

I was doing my masters.

My loan application was denied.

It was the last day to make the payment

I remembered Dad telling me to pray for everything

I prayed.

I was granted full tuition scholarship

And my whole course was paid for.

I was amazed.

I was in Paris airport at midnight.

I missed my train, I was alone.

The airport was closing, nowhere to go.

I remembered Dad telling me to pray for everything

I prayed.

People I knew showed up unexpected

Right at the corner where I was praying

I believed.

I was applying for jobs on campus

So many people smarter, more experienced

I got nervous

I remembered Mom telling me to pray for everything

I prayed.

I got placed within two hours

The exact job I was praying for

I felt heard and blessed.

I was so grateful. Still am!

Now, it’s every day

Several times a day

When I feel like I wouldn't make it

Then I remember Mom telling me to pray for everything

And then I’ll pray

And things fall into place

I wholeheartedly believe.

These are just a handful of moments
Handful out of beyond numerous

Moments which convinced me that -

Regardless of what people say

About the existence of God or not

About the power of prayers & their doubts

That I know better.

If you’re someone close to me

Who is still not convinced about

The immensity of God’s love and faithfulness

Then I apologize

Because my life should be the living proof

And it would be such a shame

For anyone to believe that God is anything but great

Even worse to not believe in His existence,

So here I am

Reiterating about the core of my being

The reason why I’m here

His Love

And

The power of prayer!

Best Job Fantasy

The question that has been haunting me for the past few days now

“What is the best job in the world?”

Well, in all honesty, it’s been more than a few days now maybe months. But the frequency at which it pops into my head has been drastically increasing the last few days.

Some would say being your own boss, or being a teacher, or a parent, or a missionary, or a social worker or a doctor – or maybe something much more profound, too profound that it hasn't crossed my mind yet. Darn! I wish I knew.

I started working 2 years and three months ago. Ever since, people have been asking me about my job, if I enjoy doing it? Do I see a future in it? And the likes of it. Most of the time I’m diplomatic about it and give vague answers – neither out of politeness nor diplomacy, but mainly because I myself have no idea and I never really thought about it either. But then there are those genuinely horrific days where I proclaim to the world or to anyone around how much I hate my job, without even being asked. But then with the dawn of the next working day, most days I rediscover my gratitude to even have a job in the first place.

I work in a telecom industry – one of the fastest growing industries in the country, where competition is beyond cut-throat. And luckily enough, I have been in every vertical of the company so, as much as I hate to, I think I know enough how the world works around here. The pay’s good, better than good actually and for that I am very grateful. And my current role gives me flexible working hours, no restriction to stay in office at scheduled hours and allows me to work from home on most days if preferred. But it has its cons too, which at this time I chose to not reiterate. Most people think I have the perfect job. Now that’s about my job.

Let’s move onto other people’s jobs. On paper, most of the people I graduated with seem to have it great, okay maybe for few, not so much. Some even moved abroad and get shitload of dollars beyond the amazing exposure they experience. Some haven’t really got around to finding a stable ground, but definitely not giving up yet. Some have given up on the competition and settled with a less hectic job even at the cost of compensation.

And then on a related but extremely distinct note, I look at my parents. I wonder if they have ever faced work related stress in their career – a stable and secure public sector job, good pay, fixed but extremely disused working hours. So every day they get home on time to share family dinners with luxurious free time to indulge in religious and social affairs. Society respects what they do. Most importantly, they seem happy.

So now, what should I do next? Am I happy with my job? As alluring as a public sector job seems in the eyes of most people I know, would I be able to thrive in a passive environment after being in an aggressive one for most of my adult life? Do I need assertive and hard-hitting job in order to stay challenged or am I deluding myself? So many questions! And not knowing what my ideal job isn't helping either.

I think it helps a lot if you love what you do. So maybe, if you love being around children and if passing on knowledge and wisdom is you thing, then you’re a teacher “Oh, YAY”! Or if you’re the perfect housekeeper, then it’s awesome you’re a stay home Mom. Likewise, if spreading gospel completes you and gives you a sense of accomplishment (and in my opinion, I think it should), then I couldn't be happier you’re a missionary. And the list goes on. But because these highly perceived professions are so prestigious, I think people should stay away from doing them out of obligation or compulsion. Without passion for the work that they do, these jobs not only drench the life out of them, but can have the most fatal consequences – physically, emotionally and spiritually to the people they offer their services to.

So I love travelling, I love having flexibility of working hours, I love being independent: financially and otherwise, I love changes, I love meeting people, I love fashion and luxury industries – So if you ever, as highly unlikely as it maybe – come across any job that encompasses all these attributes, please remember to ring me up and let me know that a “potential job for which I am probably not qualified” has just opened up, so that I could jump at it even if just to have it escape from my grasp.

Because maybe then I can say, I finally know the best job in the world.

Last day of August 2013

Today’s one of those days.

It has been one of those days for a while now.

Not necessarily a bad day, and yet not a great one either.

Just one of those days – empty, quiet, meaningless.

And I hate that because, I hate wasting days.

I feel guilty for not making the most of these days, because somewhere, someone is fighting his/her last breath to see this very day that I just wasted.

But it’s one of those days when you wonder why you even got up in the first place.

Breakfast was not spectacular and very forgettable. I already forgot what I ate.

One of those days when every joke you hear seem rather stupid or insensitive

When every other person seems to be in love or having a good time

And that doesn’t necessarily piss you off, but doesn’t brighten your mood either

Work, as usual humdrum, which amazingly enough is the most normal feeling of the day

Even the fact that today’s a Friday couldn’t cheer me up, and that has always done the trick in the past.

So maybe I’m not happy?

But I’m not sad either, nor angry – in fact, I feel pretty calm.

Maybe I’m finally having a grasp on what life’s supposed to be.

Maybe all this time, I’ve been living in a bubble where life only has its lows and highs

I’ve always been either happy or sad, more happy than sad.

I have always made it a point to be happy, to stay positive

But for today, for a while now – I can’t seem to find the strength to even try!

So tonight, I’m going to let myself be numb, be calm and let myself think about life

And then pray.

Today’s one of those days.

The Sawmteii

You’re the weirdest person I know and love.

Sometimes you frustrate me, with unlimited dreams and one day plans – but deep down I know it makes me like you more.

 I am convinced every day, of your passion in such variety of things. 

I like the way your mind jumps from one galaxy of interest to another within a matter of seconds, 

it amuses me that you find it so natural to do so.

Sometimes I worry about you because I can’t really tell what you're feeling. 

And I try not to pry as much as I can. 

I love you for that because you are essentially one of the most drama-free people I know.

 The only drama you are caught up with is your own – and on your own. 

And if I wait long enough, I know you will share when the time is right and you always do, 

And when you do I listen with all my heart and feel all that you feel with you – because I know you’d do the same.

 The only thing I can’t figure out yet is why anybody would choose to be mean to you;
Or not like you for all that you are;

 it just seems so cruel and inhuman.

I hate it when you sing, or dance, or act like you’re the Queen of England. 

But I’d be so confused if you’d stop doing that, because then you wouldn’t be you.

 I love that you dream my dreams with me, sometimes I can’t tell where mine end and yours start.

 I love that you listen to my bullshit and pretend like they matter. 

I hate that you steal my clothes first and then ask later and thank me in advance,

 but I also love that you know I wouldn’t say no to you.

 It’s annoying that you constantly complain about your weight and eat your heart out the next minute. 

It’s annoying because you’re adorable the way you are and neither skinny nor fat :

Many people would kill to look like you, I'm one of them.

I am glad you own Dear Shoes with me J

You are one of the truly honest, like beautiful inside out person that I know. 

When I say you’re a good person, I mean like nobody could hate you or not like you in their right frame of mind. 

And you inspire me to be more likeable and be genuinely loved like it comes naturally with you. 

You are hilarious and insanely crazy, that makes you special and so interesting.

Michael

Mike, I love you!

You are so obscenely unique and refreshing, and sometimes a pain the ass but the best kind (if ever there is one). 
You make me want to laugh and scream at you so many times I lost count.
I often wondered if we’d still end up being in each other’s lives if we hadn't met when we did – because I kind of feel we would anyway, like it would be way to cruel for the universe to revolve any other way. 
I mean the combination (I wouldn't call it chemistry since that word is too mainstream) yes, the combination is incomparable.

First, I wish I could be as non-judgmental and as open minded as you are. 

I think it’s so amazing that you accept everything about everyone and that you let them be. 

You are the most unbiased and non-stereotypical person I know, honestly. 

You stand for truth and what is right – that pretty much sums it up.

Second, your patience – ah-mah-zing! Especially with me, let's be honest for a moment here:

I can be pretty irritating at times, but you always wait it out. 

You’re pretty awesome.

Third, your beautiful soul – I know you have been “friend-zoned” quite a few times, but trust me when I tell you this; 

those girls don’t stand a chance with you.

In my eyes, no girl would be good enough for you.

And sometimes I worry if you’re too nice for your own good.

Fourth, your resilience – I know sometimes life can be difficult for you and you’re not the most optimistic person at times.

But you fight for happiness, you may let the negativity sink in for a day or two, 

But you always fight back, and bounce back. 

And when you do, you spread that happiness and positivity around. 

Because of all this and more, you are sensitive to other’s feelings and that makes you so much of a better person than you would be if not for these experiences. 

And for someone who had emotionally been through what you have, I think no one would overcome and turn it around better than you.

But I hope you know that you are one of the most important pillars of strength in my life and you and I are going to be in each other’s lives for a very long time. 

If I could be half the person you are, I’d consider myself a pretty darn good person.