Then & Now

Dear Young Love,

Once again you asked “What if?”, “What could have been?”

You have been thinking again

On a regular day, I would have replied with an “I don’t know”

And then shrug and forget about it

But maybe there’s something about today,

Something that tells me I do know.

So here it is,

Stop wondering what if? Or what could have been?

Because what you had, what you think you want is gone.

You got the best of my youth, I loved you first.

You, my dear you, got me when I was the best I could be then.

You loved who I was then,

That’s not who I am anymore.

I was young, joyful and nice

Now I am older, wiser and perhaps not as nice.

I have learnt news things and words

Things like responsibilities and words like consequences

I was spontaneous and impulsive

Now I plan and organize

I thought everyone would always be around and we’d always be happy

But, I've lost loved ones and have learnt to be comfortable on my own

Life, as unbearable or as exuberant as it may be, goes on.

You said I was delighted easily,

Maybe because the burdens in my head could be sorted out

With things like food, sleep, alarm clocks, music, books and good television

Now, it takes a bit more than that – I wish they could be bought

Virtues like patience, endurance and strength.

I had all the time in the world,

Time to be passionate, time to be silly, time to do nothing

Time to be ridiculous and time to be fabulous

Now time is a luxury that isn't always on my side

So it’s hard to give freely to anyone.

I was warm, gullible and trusting

Naturally, I got burned and scarred along the way

But I don’t regret any of it

Now, I am tougher, calmer and more composed.

And I expect lesser.

Clothes were a necessity, something that said who I was

Now, they complement and enhance who I want myself to be.

I was never happy with my physical appearances,

But I learnt the difference between the things I can change and can’t change

So I worked on my personality instead.

I still have bad days, but I know my face isn't all that I am.

Back then, people were either good or bad

Now I know it’s not that simple

Everyone is just trying to survive

Maybe we just have different ways of tackling it

Some people just haven’t had it very easy

And some just don’t know better, they just don’t.

I thought I was lucky when it comes to friends

But you see, I had measured them in quantity

Now, I no longer make that mistake

And now I know for a fact that I am lucky,

Because I have friends who matter, friends who will stick around

Friends I would do anything in the world for.

On a sunny day, we would grab our bags

Out in the sunny street we would wander with no worries

Now, a sunny day makes me wonder what that would do to my skin

And that maybe I should wait before stepping out

On a rainy day, we would dance on the streets in the rain

Chasing each other with our ridiculous mirth

Now, I go through a checklist in my head – laundry, windows & the likes

It makes me worry about the homeless on the streets

Or the possible flooding of the streets and its consequences

Laughter was a therapy I indulge generously in,

This hasn't changed.

But the things I laughed about and the people I laughed with

And the intensity with which I laughed

Unfortunately aren't the same anymore

This I wish stayed the same.

So you see, today I am trying to be the best version I can be now, and be graceful and poise about it in the process. All these changes that I see in me now aren't necessarily for better or for worse. It is just something that is inevitable with growth and maturing.

 If I am not who I am today, I wouldn't be writing this to you, with the hope that it gives you peace of mind. You and I know how my soul was crushed and my heart massacred. Still, I rose.

You can’t possibly love the person I am now because you loved me then for all those reasons which have changed. It’s not that they have disappeared; it’s that they have evolved.

I am not the one that got away, and it was not a mistake for things to end.

I am the one who loved you with all my youth, made mistakes with you, got ridiculously euphoric, vehemently disappointed and tenaciously furious with you, someone who was intoxicated with the passion and young love, and someone who genuinely was content and I did love you – as intensely as I could.

But that’s the thing with young love, it is ephemeral, some struck lucky and got everything out of it but you and I are luckier, because now we get to experience the adult love, the more profound love, the one that should last – the forever cheesy makes you want to throw up kind of love. Bizarrely, it is amazing. It’s the kind of love that people write about, the foundation of all good music and movies. So, you see, we get to have two loves, two big loves.

So, no more wondering, no more “what ifs”. It’s time to let it go, the other love lies ahead.

Love,

The one who wants nothing but the best for you.

A Tale of Two Continents

There's this calmness about us, about you.
I love the mutual love of silence.
The fact that not every day or everything requires words
And yet the comfort in knowing that our feelings thrive anyway
I never thought I was meant for this, still don't at times
And yet here I am promising nothing and yet planning forever

But I hope you remember that
Trust is a commodity my heart refuses to splurge on
It isn't a worthy reason but sometimes
I blame the occurrences of my yesterdays
The heartaches & the disappointments
As much as I try to not let is scar my todays,
I guess a part of that brightness & naivety gets shattered
So with every little hope getting squashed or every disappointment,
The famous defensive wall comes up

I hate this wall!
And eventually I will have control over it,
Slowly but surely and hopefully with you around
It isn't because I am insecure about us.

Unfortunately, I have met pain face to face, heart to heart
It is a very unkind guest & almost always overstay its welcome.

Normally I am courageous & bold enough
To face hardships on my own
Except when it comes to matters of the heart.
That's where I draw the line
Because I have learnt that as much as love brightens up the world
It doesn't always behave
I could and can outlive it and I will survive it
But when it is done with you,
It leaves you sharper, more bitter;
More cautious and more cynical & doubtful
Those are things I can very well do without.

I am not saying you will invite it back,
Because you have the kindest, warmest heart I know
That precisely is why I am here again
On my way to trust again, to be vulnerable,
To depend & to love another being as much as I do myself
I do not expect or request the same of you
But I do ask of your patience
Its not always easy to stay in love with a person
Whilst feeling you are walking on eggshells

But you aren't, cause as fragile & cautious as my heart is,
You can always open up to me, To us
After all that's said and done,
It is you and I still standing
Beating the odds together ever since

Our forever's aren't ephemeral
Our faith not  mortal
Our love divine and pure
Even though we are far from faultless,
We have our Father himself as part of what we've created and started,
I believe we could and we will withstand the test of time

Here's to us,
Here's to Love
Here's to laughter, hope & a little bit of craziness!