Last day of August 2013

Today’s one of those days.

It has been one of those days for a while now.

Not necessarily a bad day, and yet not a great one either.

Just one of those days – empty, quiet, meaningless.

And I hate that because, I hate wasting days.

I feel guilty for not making the most of these days, because somewhere, someone is fighting his/her last breath to see this very day that I just wasted.

But it’s one of those days when you wonder why you even got up in the first place.

Breakfast was not spectacular and very forgettable. I already forgot what I ate.

One of those days when every joke you hear seem rather stupid or insensitive

When every other person seems to be in love or having a good time

And that doesn’t necessarily piss you off, but doesn’t brighten your mood either

Work, as usual humdrum, which amazingly enough is the most normal feeling of the day

Even the fact that today’s a Friday couldn’t cheer me up, and that has always done the trick in the past.

So maybe I’m not happy?

But I’m not sad either, nor angry – in fact, I feel pretty calm.

Maybe I’m finally having a grasp on what life’s supposed to be.

Maybe all this time, I’ve been living in a bubble where life only has its lows and highs

I’ve always been either happy or sad, more happy than sad.

I have always made it a point to be happy, to stay positive

But for today, for a while now – I can’t seem to find the strength to even try!

So tonight, I’m going to let myself be numb, be calm and let myself think about life

And then pray.

Today’s one of those days.

The Sawmteii

You’re the weirdest person I know and love.

Sometimes you frustrate me, with unlimited dreams and one day plans – but deep down I know it makes me like you more.

 I am convinced every day, of your passion in such variety of things. 

I like the way your mind jumps from one galaxy of interest to another within a matter of seconds, 

it amuses me that you find it so natural to do so.

Sometimes I worry about you because I can’t really tell what you're feeling. 

And I try not to pry as much as I can. 

I love you for that because you are essentially one of the most drama-free people I know.

 The only drama you are caught up with is your own – and on your own. 

And if I wait long enough, I know you will share when the time is right and you always do, 

And when you do I listen with all my heart and feel all that you feel with you – because I know you’d do the same.

 The only thing I can’t figure out yet is why anybody would choose to be mean to you;
Or not like you for all that you are;

 it just seems so cruel and inhuman.

I hate it when you sing, or dance, or act like you’re the Queen of England. 

But I’d be so confused if you’d stop doing that, because then you wouldn’t be you.

 I love that you dream my dreams with me, sometimes I can’t tell where mine end and yours start.

 I love that you listen to my bullshit and pretend like they matter. 

I hate that you steal my clothes first and then ask later and thank me in advance,

 but I also love that you know I wouldn’t say no to you.

 It’s annoying that you constantly complain about your weight and eat your heart out the next minute. 

It’s annoying because you’re adorable the way you are and neither skinny nor fat :

Many people would kill to look like you, I'm one of them.

I am glad you own Dear Shoes with me J

You are one of the truly honest, like beautiful inside out person that I know. 

When I say you’re a good person, I mean like nobody could hate you or not like you in their right frame of mind. 

And you inspire me to be more likeable and be genuinely loved like it comes naturally with you. 

You are hilarious and insanely crazy, that makes you special and so interesting.

Michael

Mike, I love you!

You are so obscenely unique and refreshing, and sometimes a pain the ass but the best kind (if ever there is one). 
You make me want to laugh and scream at you so many times I lost count.
I often wondered if we’d still end up being in each other’s lives if we hadn't met when we did – because I kind of feel we would anyway, like it would be way to cruel for the universe to revolve any other way. 
I mean the combination (I wouldn't call it chemistry since that word is too mainstream) yes, the combination is incomparable.

First, I wish I could be as non-judgmental and as open minded as you are. 

I think it’s so amazing that you accept everything about everyone and that you let them be. 

You are the most unbiased and non-stereotypical person I know, honestly. 

You stand for truth and what is right – that pretty much sums it up.

Second, your patience – ah-mah-zing! Especially with me, let's be honest for a moment here:

I can be pretty irritating at times, but you always wait it out. 

You’re pretty awesome.

Third, your beautiful soul – I know you have been “friend-zoned” quite a few times, but trust me when I tell you this; 

those girls don’t stand a chance with you.

In my eyes, no girl would be good enough for you.

And sometimes I worry if you’re too nice for your own good.

Fourth, your resilience – I know sometimes life can be difficult for you and you’re not the most optimistic person at times.

But you fight for happiness, you may let the negativity sink in for a day or two, 

But you always fight back, and bounce back. 

And when you do, you spread that happiness and positivity around. 

Because of all this and more, you are sensitive to other’s feelings and that makes you so much of a better person than you would be if not for these experiences. 

And for someone who had emotionally been through what you have, I think no one would overcome and turn it around better than you.

But I hope you know that you are one of the most important pillars of strength in my life and you and I are going to be in each other’s lives for a very long time. 

If I could be half the person you are, I’d consider myself a pretty darn good person.

Mapuia

When I am with you, I am home – it often make me wonder what more I need out of life :)

 When I look at you, I see a confident man, who has a heart of gold, sensitive, generous and warm. 

It makes me sad that sometimes you feel the need to be insecure with me.

You’re so beautiful.

I love the fact that you are so smart and patient with me, and that you notice the little nothings. 

There are so many things that I hate about myself but you make it all seem forgivable and bearable – for that I am grateful.

Sometimes I hate to see you waste all these amazing potential and skills that you have, but I know for a fact that whatever life has planned for you, it’s going to be amazing. 

Just a little more time and patience, you’ll see what I mean. 

I do not know what life has in store for you, but whoever gets to keep you for life, she better be grateful. 

You can be so difficult at times but if she’s smart, she’ll know you’re worth it.

When there is thunder and storm, I flinch for you because I know you hate them.

When I listen to beautiful soul music I wish to share it with you

When I see something funny I laugh for the both of us. 

Sometimes I think of you for no reason at all, and then let myself believe that those are moments when you miss me :)

I love the fact that even with all the hardships and pain you've endured, you’re still brave enough to endure life’s challenges and take up on something as risky as love again.
I admire you for that and I wish I were that brave as well.

You inspire me to be a better person – and for that I treasure you. 

J'aime La France

I missed my family everyday

I thought about my elder brother everyday.

Some days I stayed in bed, ate ice-cubes, wore his Tee, listened to

Desperado by Eagles and recalled our happy days

Sunshine was a rare commodity

I was addicted to nature and its beauty!

I got fed up of ancient buildings and monuments!

I met one of the most amazing people and some remarkable douche-bags as well.

Most times I wished the French would speak slower 

I gained 8 kilos.

Everything tasted better with butter (explains the above)

I fell in love with “street lamps”

I traveled in trains, sometimes where I was the only passenger, 

sometimes I ended up in places I didn't intend to, ate with strangers, got mugged, missed trains, got on the wrong trains/ferry, sang with hippies... and I loved it.

I realized there was such things as “too much snow” & “too much fun”.

I had a crush <3 <3

Facebook still played a huge part of my world!!!
I learnt to make my peace with guys wearing white tights

Everything smelled heavenly...so does everyone!

I ate the best foods ever and also some very questionable stuffs.

There were no toilet sprinklers!!! LoL

People hardly spoke English but every shops and malls I stepped in played English songs.

The magic word = Soldes!

I realized some classes weren't so bad but some just wanted to make you go hang yourself.

I prayed lesser!

I “AM” a brave & independent person.

I stopped worrying about the future.

I couldn't remember why I took up MBA in the first place

Beaches trump Museums (true for Europe in general)!!

I had to multiply the price of everything by 70 to see how much it costs in my currency.

I confused everyone when I tell them “I am an Indian”, at the end even myself. Eventually, I found a better way to put it “I am a Mongolian,but I am from India”

Apparently my English was real good and so was my accent!! Yay

I finally came to terms with the fact that sitcoms and serials will always be my addiction and I will always put my life on hold occasionally just to watch them and be carried away.

Bread ain’t bad, but it is no rice!

I was a decent cook...maybe I still am!

I was still anti-chocolate but I turned pro-cheese!

I felt blessed each day.

I was grateful!... I still am

Someday she'll heal, maybe today is that someday..!

They say every experience helps us learn 
But what if they are wrong 
What if it’s one of those sayings which they say to ease the pain? 
What if it is just a waste of time? 
And even worse 
What if it only negates our future? 

Here she is 
Torn apart 
I see her and it breaks my heart 
Because she so deserves to be happy 

All she did was being the perfect ‘her’ 
And he threw that away 
Like everything else didn’t matter anymore 
Like ‘they’ don’t exist anymore 

What makes it worse is that 
He was suppose to be her ‘person’ 
Someone who she thought would never let her down 
But he broke her heart 

His friends tell her he’s still into her 
But how would she know for sure 
When he’s still with someone else 

I wish I could tell her it’s all for the best 
I wish I could assure her that it’s all going to be fine 
But I don’t know that 
I don’t know if she’s gona learn 
Or is this one of those experiences which just makes you lose faith 

She tries to move on 
Leading an ordinary life 
One step at a time 
Everyone thinks she’s okay 
But I can see that she’s still picking up the broken pieces 

Though she seems happy 
Starting over new sweet little somethings 
She can’t help but blame the new one 
For things the old one did 
The more he tried 
The more she is reminded of him 
I don’t blame her 
Because it must be hard 
It only seemed like yesterday when they kissed 
And yet it feels like forever 

She tells her heart to forget him 
Not to compare them two 
She keeps telling herself he’s no good 
And that their time is over 
He’s with ‘her’ now 
And she with ‘him’ 
But that not how it works 
I desperately wish I know how it works 
So at least I could help her fix in any way 

There are days when they still have their long talks 
But it’s not the same 
Because he belongs to someone now 
They both know 
It will take time 
To completely erase everything they shared 
He tells her he still cares 
It confuses her even more 

I pray 
That it’s over soon 
Because I don’t know how long she can take it 
She’s fragile 
So I ask 
Would this help her learn? 
Because it’s way too painful to be meaningless 
I hope she learns that it’s part of life 
That she’s still beautiful 
Because she gave the most fragile thing to him 
If she happens to break a heart 
She’ll remember how it felt when hers was broken 
And one day 
When it’s all over 
She will love again like she’s never been hurt!! 

“I think it should be illegal to deceive a woman’s heart” 

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something beautiful ♥

Do you know that I literally shiver and that I run short of breath when I meet people for the first time? Especially the ones whom I know could be important in my life.

And do you know that most times I try to hide that awkwardness by talking incessantly?

Do you also know that I hate public speech? 

Or any kind of public attention that requires people staring at me? 

And that I talk faster and stammer much more than I would care for?

 I do, and that most times when I speak to people in public, everything in front of my eyes become blurry, faces tend to get hazy and the distance seem much bigger – and then as much as I hate it, the words won’t come out right. 

Even when I’m with a group of people I’m familiar with, I repeat the sentences in my head before saying out loud just to make sure it sounds right.

Sometimes, I get hurt and humiliated so very easily by what seems like silly jokes and comments especially in public that it makes me think much more when I joke with others.

 I tend to stick to the ones which I’m sure is not hurtful in any way – and at times when I feel I delivered a bit harsher lines, do you know that I go over and over about it in my head? 

All because it kills me thinking I could’ve somehow insulted or hurt another person.

Do you know that when I am with a group of people, I pay the most attention to the one who looked like he least belonged? 

All because I know how it feels. 

Well, most of the time that is how I feel when I am with a group of people. 

Even in school and college, I always tried the hardest to be friends with the loners and the underdogs, maybe I see myself in them way more that I would like to admit.

 Don’t get me wrong, I always know the popular kids and even now, the superstars of the group – but that don’t mean I stop feeling awkward when I am with such groups. Maybe I do it anyway because that way, I get to be looked at and treated normally.

I sympathize
I look at homeless people in the streets and sympathize. 

I look at kids who do manual labour instead of being in school and I sympathize. 

I look at old people who look like they could use a friend or two and I sympathize.

 But let’s face it; these things are what any normal human being with a normal heart would sympathize with. 

In my case, they are sillier than usual. 

For example, when I see a teenager with torn shoes and yet who is very flare in his taste – someone who would enjoy a nice pair of trendy shoes and yet try to keep up anyway, or a street vendor who diligently works just to earn minimum profit, I sympathize. 

When I look into people’s eyes and I see loneliness or sadness, no matter how much they try to hide it, it hurts me.

 Basically I sympathize a lot.

 And by that I mean the kind of sympathy where it hurts deep down and you’d wish to the world that things wouldn’t be that bad for them as they appear. 

Sometimes it hurts so much that it feels like someone literally is piercing something through my heart and many times it haunt me at night. And sometimes, I wish I’d feel a little less since most of the times I can never do anything anyway.

I envy
There is a bit of something I envy in almost everybody I know. 

I envy the way my mother protects and fights for the people she loves, 

I envy the peace and amazing heart that my father has in his life.

 I envy the way my sister is so lovable, adorable and funny, 

And the way my brother loves Jesus. 

I envy the way most of my friends look better and love better than me

 I envy their generosity and their big hearts, their honesty, loyalty and diligence.

One day maybe I’ll be half the person that I wish I could be I’m trying every day.

I feel so very blessed every day. 

I hate myself for not saying enough. 

But most times, I keep it quiet for fear of sounding conceited, self-centred and inconsiderate.

 Sometimes, I wonder if people see me that way – maybe because of the way I am with words, at times I know I can look and sound like a pompous and overbearing person, that makes me worry sometimes. 

But I do feel blessed, because by the grace of God, I have come this far. 

I know I am far from being the most accomplished person but for someone like me to have achieved what I have, considering my personal and intellectual as well as spiritual limitations; 

I cannot but help be grateful.

 Sometimes, when people go into raptures over my experiences, it humbles me and also guilt me into thinking if I had given off any indication to insinuate that all these were my own doings, because I couldn’t be more wrong. 

Sometimes I wonder if people know how small, incompetent and weak I really am – which I doubt since I always put out a brave front. I am a woman with limited understanding when it comes to people,

 I am impatient, 

I am not good with people

I am certainly not diligent.

 I am and would continue to be a terrible house maker,

 I am lazy, messy and sometimes I lie just to get into good graces of people, or when I feel that a truth would break someone’s heart – which makes me a coward that I am.

When I look at all the beautiful people in my life,

I wonder why they would want to be in my life and sometimes it even makes me feel like I have done something right – and that I am so very blessed.

I love people.

 Sometimes too much too easily.

 I genuinely believe that there is good in all of us, maybe more in some than the others.

 I believe that we all have our fights in life which everyone must face that at some point.

 But I also believe that it gets slightly easier when we are kinder to each other and give others and ourselves a break every now and then.

Tell them I loved ♥♥